Scientist
Scientists (not to be confused with creation scientists) are evil spawn of Satan dedicated to encroaching on God's holy territory with their airplanes and cloning. They condone homosexual behavior and believe that it doesn't cause any harm. One scientist, Peter Singer, doesn't think that having sex with dogs is so bad. Thank baby Jesus that Rick Santorum was brave enough to point this out. Scientists are often liberal and mostly members of the evolutionist conspiracy. They are almost always found in foundations and universities. They often get their own shows on PBS, Discovery Channel, and Animal Planet. Scientists are very logical beings, this is their weakness, use it! At the same time, the most dangerous ones are very imaginative. They imagine bull!*#9 like life on Mars, dinosaurs, birds that evolved into dinosaurs, time travel, teleportation, robots who can love humans, and robots who can looove humans (if you know what I mean). Often their overactive imaginations are aided by junk food, caffeine, marijuana, and/or sex with their students and young admirers. Scientists have little or no common sense. One of them, Albert Einstein, married his own first cousin. Scientists are behind liberal's magical machines. Famous Scientists (be afraid, be very afraid) *John James Audubon, famous ornithologist, oologist (whatever the hell that is), and hunter. Shot, stuffed, cooked, and tasted practically every bird species in America. Now HE'S a scientist I get behind. (I think they named some bird-coddling society after that guy.) *Dr. Emmett Brown, famous time traveller who was the subject the of Oscar-winning Back to the Future documentaries of the 1980's *Seth Brundle, famous teleporter inventor who sleeps with flies. (May still be alive under the alias of Jeff Goldblum. In any case, be afraid, be very afraid.) *Rachel Carson, famous spinster granny, falcon-coddler, and threat to the American way *Francis Crick, James Watson, and Rosalie Franklin famous barflies and "discovers" of DNA (which we all know was invented by Jesus in 1958). Not many people know about Rosalie Franklin, which is just as well because she should have been at home performing her God-given duties of cooking, cleaning, pleasuring her man, and wearing Christian Dior dresses with heels at least one inch high. *Jacques Cousteau, famous French (and possibly gay) oceanographer and marine biologist. Apparently he did a lot of television specials, which I have a hard time understanding without closed captioning because of his damn accent. We almost entirely have him to blame for no longer being able to hunt sweet, delicious, greasy whales so we can have something to barbeque for Lent besides lobsters and mahi-mahi. We also have him to blame for making us feel sorry for those poor dolphins being hunted for dog food. *Neil DeGrasse Tyson, famous astrophysicist and PBS host (he's just an evil monster) *Albert Einstein, famous physicist with bad hair who came to America and helped FDR defeat those commie Nazi Axis bastards. (Wonder why he was in such a hurry to leave Germany...) *Stephen Jay Gould, famous short lumpy stoner snail enthusiast and inventor of the Burgess Shale fauna. (Sure, tell yourself that Hallucinogenica is an extinct crustacean of unknown affiliations, as opposed to the product of a bad acid trip you and Carl Sagan during a clambake in 1973.) *Konrad Lorenz, famous ethologist and goose-loving nudist. Is especially insidious because he supports the graylag goose gay marriage agenda, as written in his manifesto On Aggression, which talks a lot less about aggression than I would have thought. *Kenneth Miller, molecular biologists and author of several textbooks describing to impressionable young people in great detail the evils of evolution, sexual intercourse, mitosis, meiosis, osmosis, genetic drift, and biogeography *Carl Sagan, famous stoner and creepy agnostic PBS host who believes that the Earth revolves around the sun, the stars revolve around the black hole in the middle of the Galaxy, and that the Cosmos is all there ever is and all their ever will be...PUH-LEAZE...I guess any notion is possible if you've smoked enough Panama Red with Stephen Jay Gould. Famous Books by Scientists (if you must read them) *Birds of America by John James Audubon. Apparently before hunting birds, this fellow made careful observations of their migrations, nests, and mating habits. After he killed them, he made careful observations of what they tasted like. Hey, Johnny Birdbrain, how come you didn't save any of those great auks or passenger pigeons for us modern Americans? *Silent Spring by Rachel Carson. Some people call this book a dystopia in which no birds sing because of DDT. DDT is part of the American way so the evil African mosquitoes don't kill us with their malaria and HIV's, so Rachel Carson had no right to criticize it. Besides, I don't CARE if that house wren nesting next door needs to sing to let the other wrens know that he has survived the night and has still claimed his territory so he can evil sinful sex with the female wrens. He starts singing at 5 AM and will not shut the @*^# up. *Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton (We all know that dinosaurs were just failed experiments in God's plan to create us, but the chilling moral that cloning dinosaurs is bad is still as timely today as it was whenever it was written.) *How I Did It by Dr. Victor Frankenstein (it's pronounced FRAHNK-en-STEEN, people) *Ever Since Darwin by Stephen Jay Gould. (Apparently not much of interest happened has happened ever since Darwin, except some monk claimed to have discovered heredity and someone discovered that pandas have thumbs.) *Wonderful Life by Stephen Jay Gould. Unfortunately, this is not an update of the wonderful Frank Capra film. This about evolution, contingency, and crustaceans. Gould clearly protrays his pro-crustacean, pro-escargot agenda by saving the animal that supposedly "evolved" into fish, amphibians, monkeys, etc. Pikaia, for last (spoiler alert). *A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle. I read somewhere she was a Catholic housewife. Well, she couldn't have been a very good housewife if she took time out from baking and diaper-washing to invent a tesseract, now could she??? *King Solomon's Ring by Konrad Lorenz. Alas, this book is much more secular and therefore evil than the title suggests. The whole point of the book is that animals have feelings, that wolves (which are almost as evil killing machines as bears) are much more aggressive than doves, and that we should be more like wolves. So therefore, it's okay to break into a ranch naked at 4 am and steal an Angus beef calf with only your teeth. On the plus side, Lorenz writes that water shrews make great pets. *On Aggression by Konrad Lorenz. Promotes the evil graylag goose gay marriage agenda. On the plus side, it says that aggression is natural and okay if channelled properly--for example, in dancing, bowing and tipping one's hat to a fellow man, and the Colbert Report. *Cosmos by Carl Sagan (A better read if you're stoned.) I think he also wrote and directed that Contact movie with Jodie Foster. Jodie Foster's hot. ;) See Also * Ridiculous Theories and Notions * Creation Science Forum at Landover Baptist Church * 10 out of 10 scientists are actually gay *Scientists unveil their Gay Hippie Liberal agenda for Gay New World Order